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High praise has been circulating for Disney's newest foray into expanding the modern Star Wars universe - enough so that I was warily lured out from under my rock for the first time since the Mandalorian. 

It brings me no joy to confess I'm apparently still a bit of an unpleasable bastard, and possibly should have stayed under my rock. I can certainly see why Andor has been so well-received, and I don't think the praise is unearned exactly, but for all the facets of it I enjoyed there were others which left me feeling very sour indeed. In a way it has helped clarify for me what I most want from Star Wars by token of not satisfying that desire.

But we'll get into my grumbling later, and start somewhere more positive: Andor is a 12 episode prequel to the 2016 film Rogue One, and seeks to expand that movie's particular legacy by laying out the backstory for one of its main characters, Rebel operative Cassian Andor. Like Rogue One, Andor shifts the focus away from the dramatic frontlines of the battle between good and evil (and light and dark) and delves instead into the murkier grey zone where everyday cannon fodder lives and struggles and dies. It asks what it takes to build a rebellion - logistically, operationally, morally - and the answer is often 'sacrifice'. This is very much in line with the philosophical case made in Rogue One: that grand victories are built on the backs of many smaller ones, and often those at one end of the chain will never know for sure what was achieved by the flap of their personal wings. The story is not about stand-out heroes, but instead about the power of collective effort - and collective pain.

Andor has something to say and makes an effort to say it purposefully, and it's a welcome change compared to many of Disney's other TV offerings. Their technique still needs some work - episodes vary in length from 37 minutes to 53, and early on things would just sort of awkwardly cut to credits in a way that felt more like a long movie was being chopped into chunks than well-crafted episodic storytelling. It tightened up over the course of the show, though, and the story-telling otherwise did well in providing a selection of views into the brewing conflict between the Empire and the Rebellion. One of its clear strengths was in showing the Empire's influence at both its ugliest and its most mundane.

The cast was great and I have no complaints about the acting, save that I can only imagine Diego Luna was ingesting an awful lot of aspirin for jaw pain - I don't think Cassian unclenched for more than five minutes, and not consecutively! The tight-knit community of Ferrix was compelling, and for the number of new faces introduced there were plenty I wouldn't mind seeing again (even if it would be impossible for a few...). Andor also made a step forward in finally (?) having a clear same-sex relationship onscreen, and between two characters who had purpose in the series beyond tokenism to boot! Alas, now that we know for certain that lesbians exist in Disney brand Star Wars, how can we ever justify Padme falling for Anakin.

I've seen sharper intrigue-based plotting, but overall it was a sound spy-game adventure with emotive and nuanced arguments, some exciting climaxes, and typically high production values. I couldn't call the time I spent with the show wasted.

What, then, is my issue?

Ironically, it's the very thing I've often seen put forward as an argument in Andor's favour: it didn't feel like Star Wars.

Look. I'm a child of the prequels. I grew up with six movies on VHS and a ramshackle collection of supporting guide books and spin-offs, and I playacted lightsaber duels in various backyards. I like Star Wars - the pulpy, occasionally corny sci-fantasy adventure with a distinct aesthetic identity and something heartfelt to say, even if it's often said clumsily. 

Andor had no interest in the fantasy side of Star Wars, and I'd argue it showed not much interest in the sci- half either. Six episodes in, I sat there thinking: why are we even in space? You could transplant the entire story into Earth history and lose none of the primary plot or character beats.

This continued to haunt me. Why are we in space? Why are there no aliens. WHY are there no aliens. It's Star Wars. You just made me spend over 10 hours adventuring in the Star Wars universe, and not only are there no named aliens with any plot relevance, there are barely even any aliens in background shots, and exactly ONE droid of any significance. (This isn't about you, Bee, you're perfect. You're wonderful. Never change.) Cassian joins a team: they're all human. Cassian goes to prison: everyone is human. The fledgling Rebellion makes plans and the Empire tries to thwart them: everyone involved is human. It's fucking Star Wars! Could you not afford $500 worth of Walmart brand make-up!

"It's still Star Wars," people keep insisting, "it's just good now," and I cast a long blank stare out the window because - no, it's just human. It's grounded itself so fiercely in being gritty and realistic that it's on the brink of instead transforming itself into a stock-standard WW2 drama, but worse. (Bloody bold choice rooting Syril Karn's entire character in having an overbearing, inexplicably Jewish mother, y'all.) I saw a Twitter post pointing out that it's wild watching Andor while simultaneously knowing the Empire is lead by a wrinkly evil wizard who shoots lightning from his hands, and the threads underneath are full of people agreeing that it's a good thing there is not a lick of humour or magic, as if we should all realise magical warrior monks and laser swords are embarrassing childhood relics unbefitting a real story with real messages. I don't know if the writers fall into this camp, but they certainly didn't design a narrative that suggests otherwise.

This same disinterest in being Star Warsian inevitably extended to some of the lore it's meant to be embedded in, which is the tactful way of me saying I absolutely loathed Mon Mothma's subplot, especially when contrasted against that of canon newcomer Luthen. This is the woman who helped found the Rebellion, the woman who would lead it during the most critical periods of open warfare, and the best they could manage for her over the course of an entire season was to have her flutter around helplessly within the glass cage of an unhappy marriage and uninteresting financial audits. I have watched The Wire! I know it's possible to make politics and finances more interesting than this! Luthen is out there lecturing moles on the moral cost of war, and Mon gets lectured down to by multiple men because she doesn't understand what sacrifice means as if she hasn't been navigating the political world since she was 16. I hated it so much.

I don't have an objection to exploring the universe outside the reach of the Skywalkers and the Disaster Lineage. Certainly I do not object to moving away from the increasingly masturbatory nostalgia-fests most of the other live-action shows seem to be devolving into. But you cannot suck the very Star Warsian lifeblood out of a story and toss me the husk and expect me to say, Golly, thanks! This is such an improvement on the thing I love! The fucking Expanse is right there, guys. I don't need you to be The Expanse. (Andor wishes it was The Expanse.)

In conclusion: I am coming to the realisation that I want the spectacle and fun of the Mandalorian combined with the mature and thoughtful philosophies of Andor, and I don't UNDERSTAND why this is so HARD to ACHIEVE [bangs fist on desk]. Jury is decidedly out on whether I follow on with any seasons to come. It may rely entirely on whether or not K2 is there.
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